Hope Deferred

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

I debated over blogging about this, but I could use a little brutal honesty right now. I wrote a couple of months about about pursuing my Master's Degree in English. I sent my transcripts in as well as my application a couple of weeks ago. I eagerly checked the site daily, waiting to see the department decision (wow, things are certainly modernized since I applied to college all those years ago...). Yesterday, I checked again and saw these words next to department decision: DENIAL. My heart began to beat in that irregular, disjointed pattern that always accompanies fierce disappointment. My stomach churned. Tears welled up in my eyes. I really didn't take failure into account when I applied.

I should note that I didn't apply to one of the more prestigious grad school programs in the area. We're talking about a baseline, mediocre college here! Even with my less-than-impressive GPA from good ol' Grove City College (CURSE all those brainy valedictorians that I competed against!), I didn't think I would be denied. Alas, I cannot deny the truth. I was denied admission into the grad school program...at a college with pretty low standards.

Unfortunately, the news dredged up some long-dormant feelings of inadequacy that I haven't experienced since my days at Grove City. I remembered sitting across from the head of the English department my senior year, his eyebrows raised as I expressed my desire to pursue my Master's Degree. He cleared his throat, fingers drumming against the mahogany desk, and said, "You ARE aware that some people aren't graduate school material..."

Images such as that one, and several more flitted through my mind. I can't deny that this has not been easy. However, I find the slightest twinge of peace in remembering the conversation I had with God prior to applying. I told him that I was excited, but if I wasn't accepted, I would be completely at peace with not attending grad school. I knew that He was closing the door. Unfortunately, it hasn't been quite as easy as I imagined to accept the denial.

I am disappointed for several reasons:

• I was excited about stretching my brain--reading challenging literature and and writing papers again.
• I was excited about pursuing a degree that would help me be independent if anything ever happened to my husband (God forbid).
• I was exited about having a vision, a goal, something that I was striving to attain.
• I was excited about someday teaching a course or two at a nearby college, while both of my kids were at school.

Dealing with disappointment. How do you do it? It goes back to a lesson I learned a few years back when the doctors thought I had multiple sclerosis. In my despair, one thing rang true: The undisturbed person is one who expects disturbances from God. You will those words at the top of my blog. I've never had the heart or desire to change that title as it befits my life, time and time again. The only way I could cope with having a debilitating disease was to remember that God's plan for my life was the very best one I could ever imagine. The Bible says that He is "able to do more than all we ask or imagine" in Ephesians 3:20. Regardless of how that plan looks to me, it's the best. God is never holding out on any of us. Hope is rekindled in my heart even as I write these words.

Sure, I am disappointed. I thought my plan was a good one. Do you know what though? It wasn't the best. God's plan for me is far, far better than mine, and I can't wait to see it evolve.

Note: For those of you who haven't known me forever, I don't have MS, thanks be to God. It was just a passing trial that brought me closer to God.

Music to soothe the soul (if you like)

No, not the jewelry (although it is quite lovely, and I wouldn't be opposed to receiving some for Christmas). I lovely listening to free music all day long. The fantastic thing about Pandora is that it puts you in charge. First, you choose a song or an artist. Then, it creates a "radio" station that plays that artist and a host of other musicians that are similar to that style. If you don't like one that they chose, you click on "thumbs down". It's fabulous! I have several "radio stations" depending on what mood I'm in. My favorite is my Yanni station. It plays all gorgeous piano pieces, Enya-type material, and others like it. It even made my morning easier--as I cleaned out my ridiculously messy storage room. Which, 8 garbage bags filled later, is now clean and organized. Hallelujah!

Great blog

I just came across a wonderful blog today while I was researching my latest MOPS article. Please check it out if you get the chance. This lovely woman of God is encouraging me already to take pride in my role as wife and mom.

Pumpkin Farm

Wednesday Night Bible Study

Our church is starting a new series for our midweek Bible Study--Chip Ingram's Five Lies That Ruin Relationships. I'm looking forward to it because his studies always evoke great conversation and soul searching. I love that it's a DVD with a segment you watch together. Afterwards, there are discussion questions included in the workbook. We usually watch the teaching, start a discussion, and then do all discussion the 2nd week. I'm praying (as usual) for more participation from church members. Often it's hard for people to commit to anything midweek because of work obligations and their children's extracurricular activities.

But it's so important to be in fellowship! I'm thankful for my church family.

A Day for Baking

It's a dismal day, with the wind howling and the clouds providing a thick layer of gloom. I think it's a perfect baking day (inspired by one of my favorite blogs.) Emma has her "special day" at school on Friday and has to bring in a snack too. For that, I'm going to make Iced Pumpkin Cookies. I think I'm also going to make a few loaves of THIS whole wheat pumpkin bread. While I'm at in, I may make THESE whole wheat pumpkin pancakes and freeze them for fast breakfasts in the future.

Pumpkin overload? I simply cannot get enough of those warm, cozy flavors this time of the year. Now...better get my butt to the store and get some cans of pumpkin!

NOTE: Whatever you do, DON'T attempt the whole wheat pumpkin bread/muffins. I should have looked more carefully at the recipe. They had the wrong consistency...maybe needed eggs.

October newsletter article

Below is the article I wrote for the October MOPS newsletter:


Don’t Throw Away Your Inheritance Check

Have you ever dreamed about someone leaving you an inheritance? One day, you would reach inside your mailbox, expecting to retrieve a pile of bills and junk mail and, instead, you find a letter from an attorney. Upon opening it, you find a check for a large sum of money! “Yes! We can pay the house off!” You might say to yourself gleefully. Or perhaps, you might know just right way to invest that money (buying some Manolo Blahniks or that new Louis Vuitton handbag). Although we might not all be fortunate to have wealthy relatives leaving us a few million dollars, we all have an even greater inheritance—a spiritual inheritance. Galatians 4:1-12 talks about an inheritance of grace that is freely given to all of God’s children. Unfortunately, the Galatian believers struggled to accept that grace and wanted to revert back to a system of rules and regulations as a way to please God. Paul wrote, “You are trying to find favor with God by what you do or don’t do on certain days or months or seasons or years.” (verse 10) The Galatian church was more comfortable with the law because it made them feel like they were doing something to earn their salvation.

God’s inheritance of grace is much different than that. In fact, “God sent him (Jesus) to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children.” (verse 5) Just as that multi-million dollar inheritance is ours because of our deceased relative, our inheritance of grace is ours because of Jesus’ death on the cross. If we don’t accept that gift of grace, it is like tearing up that check and refusing to utilize the inheritance money. Sounds crazy, right? However, it’s easier than you might think to refuse God’s gift of grace.

God’s grace means that we don’t have to do stuff to please him. He loves us when we obey, and he loves us when we disobey. He loves us when we speak kindly to our children, and he loves us when we scream at them after a long and exhausting day. His love is unchanging—what a gift of grace! However, we often find ourselves on the “performance treadmill” that author Jerry Bridges discusses in his book, Transforming Grace. We run in place, thinking we are going somewhere, trying to live a perfect life for God. It’s only when we step off the treadmill that we can accept God’s remarkable gift of grace.

The next time you feel discouraged because you just can’t seem to get it right, remember your inheritance of grace. Revel in God’s unchanging love for you even on a day when you’ve blown it all day long. It is grace that will strengthen you to make the right choices the next day. Take that multi-million dollar check and cash it today.